As a response to Maple GreanTea, we now have Kuri’s Hello! Bitch Squad, a special covert team within Hello! Project that is secretly all about climbing up the ranks and taking over.
H!B Squad - Wonderful Hearts Division
Takahashi Ai: You know Takitty’s got to be a bitch. She might be boring, but underneath that boringness is a bitch that’s ready to unleash her talons upon the unsuspecting prey (gen8). After all, how else could she make those “I Pwn U” looks in ONSA?
Kusumi Koharu: She’s brainwashing you with Kirarin Revolution. Just look at her Pocket Musume answers and ask yourself–”Is this what a truly nice person says?” Besides that, Tanaka Reina’s been sending messages about Kusumi this entire time. In Bon Kyu’s Ikimasshoi! she’s saying “HELP! Kusumi’s pimping me out to AKB48 girls!!”
Sugaya Risako: It’s Risako. Enough said.
Shimizu Saki: After getting constantly picked on about her eyebrows, she’ll get them waxed and will be a beauty. This beauty shall let the bitch free, and then she’ll become the Berryz Dictator. Berryz Workshop? Not in Captain’s world. It’s Berryz Communist Dictatorship, goddammit!! RED FOREVER!!!! You say you want a revolution, well you know… ♪
Hagiwara Mai: Bitch-in-Training. They needed someone to take over as Secret Bitch in the cute department, and the strong-voiced scamp was the perfect candidate. After all, who else is going to cause smoking scandals now that Aibon’s gone and Gocchin’s puffing away?
H!B Squad – Elder Club Division
Nakazawa Yuko: Someone has to control H!P. Tsunku obviously can’t.
Abe Natsumi: She’s very jealous of the younger generation, of course. That’s why she doesn’t really share her ramen with Yajima Maimi.
Fujimoto Miki: Come on, Mikitty’s the world’s biggest bitch. She never really learned how to hide it, though, so we all THOUGHT it was her idol persona; Mikitty is Mikitty, and Mikitty is the Bitch Squad’s Second-in-Command.
Ishikawa Rika: Because, after all, the General is Charmy over here. Face it: beauty, brains, and a bite. It’s all Rika, all the time. Sayumi’s just trying to be like her. But it’s all Rika. Obviously, she herself decided to end Biyuuden. She has Ongaku Gatas now. She can wear her hair in cornrows all she wants. And only True Bitches wear cornrows. Trust me, I know. I’m from da hood.
Yoshizawa Hitomi: Actually, Yossy only infiltrated the Bitch! Squad, hoping to find out more about them to protect the younger kids. Obviously, she hasn’t done too spectacularly, as Hagiwara Mai has fallen to them. In fact, the Leader of MoMusu is supposed to secretly protect the younger generations from being captured and brainwashed by the Bitch! Squad. Luckily, Mikitty’s reign fell quickly, but now Ai is in charge. Yossy is currently trying to secretly stage a coup to get Ai in a scandal (it was NOT Eri in that magazine, but Miss A–Ai–and Okazaki was really Yossy, DON’T YOU SEE?! IT WAS ALL AN ATTEMPT TO GET RISA IN POWER!) Yaguchi Mari fell to Rika’s grasp–in fact, she was the one who tipped off Friday to the relationship, after saying “Look, she sang about sneaking out to see her boyfriend in JKM2, you people can’t seriously be THAT stupid.”
Because, truly, everything in H!P was caused by them:
1) Yaguchi leaving Minimoni to protect a group of kids (ZYX); but Takitty replaced her in Minimoni. They then turned ghetto.
2) Yaguchi’s scandal in Friday.
3) Kamei being blamed for the the non-scandal.
4) Enticing wotas to spam mean comments to JunJun.
5) Biyuuden breaking up.
6) Fukuda Asuka leaving H!P
7) The bullshit MKB puts up with.
It’s ALL the Bitch! Squad. A conspiracy, I tell you.
And so, that’s the Hello! Bitch Squad.
As a disclaimer: this was just for shits and giggles, although if I discover that Reina secretly is sending us coded messages with her blinks I will literally shit a brick.
saplesweet said,
March 1, 2008 @ 12:50 pm
(: I love your predictions of some of the kids! And it seems like a lot of people think Risako is a bitch..you didn’t even say anything about her, but I agree. Although I kind of feel like everyone is making fun of me for my post, I am glad to see that you got the inspiration for your post from me! (:
tsukiki said,
March 1, 2008 @ 9:47 pm
I love you so much. XDDDD
Cat said,
March 1, 2008 @ 10:14 pm
I laughed a lot with this entry, but I will always think that the biggest bitch in H!P is Nacchi… She is just always giving dirty looks to the younger girls, or hating on Gocchin (how can you possibly hate on her???) or on Ayaya (who’s a bit of a bitch in her own right… I mean, if she can tsukkomi Mikitty… that’s quite a feat!). Nacchi is playing good girl all the time, but underneath it all, she’s the biggest bitch EVAH! I feel sorry for Maimi sometimes…
Radicalpatriot said,
March 1, 2008 @ 11:10 pm
What scathing rip! You mean … heck, now my idyllic views of the Little Captain and Hagitty are shattered forever.
http:www.radicalpatriot.vox.com
Kuri {♥} said,
March 1, 2008 @ 11:15 pm
Mmm, that’s right: Morning Kuri, ruining ideals for everyone xP
I think this might be my favorite post for the early part of the year. Simply because it’s so… fanfic-y and comical xD Come on–H!P conspiracy theories? psh xD
Although I do think someone in H!P tipped off Friday to Marippe and Oguri Shun. I mean, COME ON. JKM2 has that entire verse where she sings about sneaking out to see her boyfriend. How did they not GET that?
Anonymous said,
March 2, 2008 @ 12:34 am
1st Thing I Have to say to you “Kuri” is…
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!
I Cannot believe that you are trashing these girls and calling them B****es.Come on! sure Risako looks like she’s mean and all but you can’t judge a person on their looks and none of them are even mean(except for abe)You can’t ruin other fellow H!p bloggers ideal views.all you and maple green tea are promoting is stupidity and lies(truth only for abe-san)Koha chan is my #1 fave momusu member and you are calling her and ai-chan and all of these other girls the b-word.once you get to know them,some of them can be really sweet or just downright mean.mai-chan was crying tears of joy and she actually has feelings unlike you miss dreamkiller.none of the things you even listed is none of their problems &f you even list konkon or momo-chan in your next b-word list,and sabes que’ kuri.you don’t know that H!P Girls are people too and none of them deserve to treated badly and all you are doing is writing lies about them and calling h!p girls the b-word come on,THEY ARE HUMANS! they have rights to be happy and you are tring to make them as miserable as you are.do me a favor buzz of and as chris crocker says!
LEAVE THE H!P GIRLS ALONE! sayonara and good day lady,I SAID GOOD DAY LADY!
saplesweet said,
March 2, 2008 @ 12:41 am
^ is that person serious? (:
Jupitermaiden said,
March 2, 2008 @ 12:49 am
lawl i think so
haha kuri this was funny
Chris said,
March 2, 2008 @ 1:07 am
So their new name will be Berryz の共産主義者の独裁制 ?
chibon said,
March 2, 2008 @ 6:51 am
LOL what’s with that anonymous kid?
anyways, i think your entry is hilarious. and even though i love nacchi, i totally agree with you on her being a bitch. evidence: eririn saying she’s scared of her during 6th gen’s first appearance on utaban and marippe and kemeko analyzing nacchi’s trued hidden nature on Hello Pro Hour.
polidread said,
March 2, 2008 @ 9:26 am
heheheh, well that was fun! Yossie is a double agent
Amber said,
March 2, 2008 @ 11:30 am
I think the Anon doesn’t have such a good grip of English and can’t tell that you’re joking.
Anyway… “Fukuda Asuka leaving H!P” I fucking lol’d.
aiwish472 said,
March 2, 2008 @ 9:04 pm
Berryz Communist Dictatorship. XD
kookyprincess29 said,
March 8, 2008 @ 5:12 pm
hey,im kookyprincess29,famous known as anon.
lucy said,
April 21, 2008 @ 5:27 pm
I laughed at everything exept the yossie part, I kind got confused there. And my mind just went blank.